Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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