I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just found puke in my bra..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
