You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
