the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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