Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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