And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
