i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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