you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
