my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
