Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
