You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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