dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
