This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just tell him i said nine months
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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