I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
