mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
