There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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