I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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