she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
