Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
