I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
