He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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