Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
