You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize