I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize