I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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