You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
