I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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