Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize