Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
