My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
