I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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