This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
