Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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