drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
