I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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