currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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