im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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