Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
