i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
