I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
