Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
