his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
