I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
