and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I smell stomach acid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
