And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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