I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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