Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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