Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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