she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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