I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
