i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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