I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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