The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
