There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
this is an emotional support booty call
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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