I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
