Me too!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
