weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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