dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
