I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
